I only LOOK like I'm sleeping

My Dream of You

2008-02-19T18:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote this last year. I found it today and it made me cry.

March 24, 2007

My Dream of You

I’ve been dreaming of you since before you were born. I can’t remember a time I didn’t know you and I would be together. When I see mothers with their children, I imagine the days you and I will spend walking hand-in-hand together. I love how our eyes light up at the sight of one another. Is it possible that you love me as much as I love you?

We go to the beach, running out with the tide, scrambling back to the sand with the water lapping at our heels. We squeal with delight when the cold water catches us, quickly surrounding our ankles and just as quickly rushing out again. We perform this dance with the water again and again. When we tire, we lay in the hot sand, rejoicing in the feel of the heat coming from the earth.

Watching butterflies is one of our favorite past-times. We observe them as they rest on the plants and flowers in our back yard. If we are very still and quiet, they might rest on us. But we never touch them because we don’t want to hurt them. If we are lucky we may see the butterfly again.

It’s springtime and we decide to plant a garden. We choose tomatoes, carrots, zucchini and lettuce. We rake the ground and dig little holes to place the seeds in. Sometimes when we are digging, we find earthworms and we know that this is a good place to plant our garden. We take turns watering the ground. Sometimes we water each other. In a short time, small, green stems rise from the ground. Day by day they grow bigger and taller. We are proud of our garden, and the vegetables taste good.

On rainy days, we stay inside and draw or paint or do crafts. We enjoy crafts of all sorts. Sometimes we play games or do puzzles. Maybe we will play dress up and make believe all day. Or we sing and dance to our favorite music. Of course, we don’t need rainy days to do these things!

At night, when it is time for sleep, we tell each other about our day. We read or make up stories for one another. The stories are often about our hopes and dreams. Now that you are young, I am the person you tell your secrets to, but I know that will not last forever.

As you grow, I try to give you the room you need to become who you are meant to be. We still share secrets and have private jokes that send us into fits of giggles. But you will have other secrets too, ones you only share with your friends. You are smart and funny and full of love for others. I am proud of who you have become. At times I feel like my heart will burst with love and pride.

One day you move out of our home to make a home of your own. You may get married, and you may have children (I hope you do!). What ever you do, you will do it well. You will be happy. Gradually, I become less like your mother and more like your friend and I realize my best dream has come true.

Haters

2008-01-16T20:04:00.001-08:00

I'm a San Diego Chargers fan.

A season ticket holding, want to name my first born after the star player, Chargers fan.

We admittedly have our ups and downs. However, we've played some very good football lately. So good in fact that this Sunday, we go up against the one team that has gone undefeated this season. We are playing to go to the Superbowl. We are playing to win.

No one thinks the Chargers can win. Nobody except the fans. I believe anything is possible. I'm looking forward to the game for the POSSIBILITY of a win. It's exciting. It's fun. It's why I watch football.

I don't understand why people insist on trying to bring me down by telling me all the reasons the Chargers CAN'T win this weekend. I know the odds are heavily in the other teams favor. I know we have injuries. I know there is the POSSIBILITY we will lose. But that is all it is. A POSSIBILITY. As a fan I have HOPE. CAN'T isn't a word I allow in my vocabulary. It's a word I won't use for my team either.

You can have whatever opinion you want. But why would you stop a stranger on the street (or gym) to tell them there isn't any way their team can win?

Try saying something nice, or neutral. You might find that it feels good to get a smile out of someone instead of a heavily furrowed death stare. Don't expect me to respond when you goad me. Life is too short. I will ignore you.

And I will BELIEVE. GO CHARGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, my name is...

2007-11-14T19:49:00.001-08:00

And I'm a craft-a-holic.

It's true. I have a problem. A serious crafting problem. Certainly part of my current awareness of my "issue" are the upcoming holidays. You see, I've made (almost) all of my holiday gifts these last two years. And I intend to continue making gifts. It's not about saving money, lord knows I'm not doing that! It's about giving a gift from the heart. And I donate the money I do save. Anyhoo, I diverge...

I've been a sew-a-holic for more than a few years. Naturally I buy much more fabric than I actually convert into stitched goods. And then there is the yarn. I discovered knitting, oh, four(?) years ago. And I became obsessed. I purchased an array of knitting needles on eBay, because you just never know what size you are going to need in the heat of a craft fit. And then I started buying yarn. And then the yarn started piling up. With the half finished projects. And the quarter finished projects. Oh and the printed project instructions that I will do, someday. I decided that I'm a terribly slow knitter. So I thought maybe I'd be faster at crochet. I am. But being faster at something that still doesn't go very fast does nothing for those of us with the attention span of a five year old. And so the crochet projects started piling up. The upside of this yarn fascination is that it's much more portable than my sewing machine. Until...

I decided that yarn just isn't quite portable enough. What with needing to take a couple projects, because how am I supposed to know what I'll feel like working on tomorrow? Have I mentioned I'm a Gemini? And so I thought, I should take up embroidery and cross-stitch! Those are great portable projects. And those are great crafts for people with an attention span deficit! HA! And so, I have one embroidered bookmark (very sparse) and about 10 stitches in a cross-stitch pattern that I bought a month ago. *sigh*

I still have the problem of what I'm going to give as gifts this year. I've got one person figured out. And I think I've got ideas for others. I've been eyeballing Gallery Glass for a while, and I'm giving it a try. Which reminds me, I'm watching some stuff on eBay...

Time flies when, well, Time flies

2007-11-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

That last entry was whiny. Sorry about that. Every now and again whining happens.

Speaking of whiny, sometimes I peruse the pregnancy websites. Particularly the "loss" sites. I am very grateful women have a support group they can tap into at any time. Especially since miscarriage is something that most people still don't talk about. But, I worry about that extreme focus on trying to conceive. Charting temperatures, using monitors, only having sex when you are "fertile". What a waste of your precious time. I understand the want/need to have a baby. I've never wanted anything more (except maybe to be an astronaut). And I ache inside for a child. A true hurt. Like heartache. A very real, if strange phenomenon. However, I don't want to spend the time I have on this earth stressing about something that I have little control over. It makes much more sense to let nature take it's course (I know, easy for me to say when I've been pregnant twice in the last year) and move forward with your life and relationships. So many people only focus on what they want/don't have that they forget to appreciate what they do have. It's like their lives are moving in an endless circle until they get that thing they want. The thing about it is, that there will always be a thing. That one last thing you need to make you happy. That mentality will guarantee an unsatisfied life.

Ladies, relax. Pick up a book. Have lunch with your friends. Create life in the garden (you city dwellers can do this too!). Make love to your husband, for fun. Most importantly, be grateful for the gifts you've already received.

June was a Bitch

2007-07-31T21:08:00.000-07:00

June began optimistically enough. My 34th birthday was June 1. My dad, who I hadn't talked to in at least three, maybe four years called me to wish me a happy birthday. I had reason to believe the emotional surges I'd been having were due to hormones... pregnancy hormones. My husband gave me a birthday party, with a margarita machine (yay!) and my period was late. Lateness to me over the previous six months was meaningless in and of itself. The nausea and breast tenderness (they hurt when I walked) was making me think (hope) I had conceived again. I waited eleven long days after expecting my period to pee on the stick.

I was up at the crack of dawn on Saturday, June 9, and received the response I expected, pregnant. Jubilant, I sat down at the computer to re-subscribe to the Baby Center website. I calculated my due date and re-read all the information for the baby's early development. I figured out the child's astrological sign to determine compatibility with my husband and myself. I waited impatiently for my husband to wake up so I could give him the news. When I couldn't wait any longer (it was 9:30), I crawled in bed, kissed my husband's cheek and waited for him to open his eyes. Slowly his eyes opened, he said "hi" and asked me what I had been doing. I told him I had been on the Internet and determined our baby was due February 9. The corner of his mouth turned up and he pulled me to him for a kiss. We spent the next few hours optimistic about the future.

We attended a graduation party that day. I told my husband's mother our news and asked for her prayers, since I figured we needed all we could get after last time. Later that day I started spotting. I went to the doctor the following Monday. We saw an egg sac in the ultrasound, but it was too early to see anything else. Many women spot during pregnancy. I felt optimistic, a feeling I'd never had six months earlier. I had to return to the doctor in a week's time, if we saw an embryo with a heartbeat at that time, chances were really good that the pregnancy would progress normally. By Wednesday night, I knew I was miscarrying.

The next weekend was Father's Day. We traveled to Home Town to be with the Dads. One of my husband's family members had suspected I was pregnant at the graduation party (obviously I was pregnant if I didn't drink), and with her brother and brother's wife confronted me about it on Father's Day. I must say, I possess extreme control at times. I wanted to give them a piece of my mind about their constant pregnancy talk. About asking why we haven't had a baby yet. How it's insensitive and cruel. They know I want a child, can't they consider the fact that I don't have one doesn't need to be pointed out to me? So I told them. Yes, I had a positive test, but I was spotting, and that I'd had one miscarriage, and I was pretty sure I was having another, but that I wouldn't know for certain until I went to the doctor in a few days. I asked them not to share with the family, my husband's grandfather is easily upset, and news like that would hurt him. I wanted to cry for them, lash out at them, to hurt them, but I didn't. Hopefully, they will learn to mind their business on their own.

The next week the doctor confirmed my miscarriage. Doctors keep telling me the good news is that I can get pregnant, there may be things that can help me stay pregnant. But they won't do any testing until after I have three consecutive miscarriages. Let's hope we never get to that point.

My car broke down while we were in Home Town. It couldn't be fixed before we had to drive home, so we had to borrow a car from our friends. The power steering went out on the borrowed car the next weekend. We took it to the shop to be fixed. Meanwhile in Home Town, the shop working on my car determined (after a week and a half) that they couldn't do the repairs on my car. My father in law drove it to the dealer after the first shop "put it back together". I received a call from the dealer telling me there were parts missing from my car and that there were no fluids running through the engine. I called First Shop and they suggested the dealer check the trunk for the parts. Because "putting together" a car means placing the parts in the trunk. The dealer charged $250 just to put the parts back on so they could diagnose the original problem. Yes, I will get First Shop to reimburse me for that. I'm married to an attorney after all. So my car got fixed. And there doesn't seem to be any lasting engine damage.

The final weekend in June (THANK GOD), we drove to Home Town for my cousin's 50th birthday party. A few miles down the freeway, the drive shaft fell out of the borrowed car. Yes, the back end of the drive shaft snapped and dragged under the car (truck) right on the freeway. I pulled over and started to laugh with tears pouring down my face and I thought for a moment that my sanity had finally escaped me. I just couldn't believe that so much shit could happen in one month. I was done. I felt at that moment that I could curl up and sleep for a very long time. I might even enjoy a little relaxation time in the loony bin. We still drove to Home Town, barely got to the dealer in time to pick up my car, and managed to attend the birthday party.

July has been a much better month.

Faith or Optimism?

2007-05-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

I've always considered myself a person of deep faith. I am not a Christian, although I believe Jesus was a great teacher of tolerance (the irony here is that so many of his followers are intolerant). I don't actually "subscribe" to any religion. I ultimately believe in the basic tenants that underlie all religions. I also believe that at the end of the day all religions point to the same "being". Whether that being is God, Allah, Buddha, or the Goddess, I cannot say. Simply, I don't presume to be that into the loop to KNOW what the truth is one way or the other. I do believe that we see different manifestations because of the great diversity among people. What holds true in one mind is not the same in another. Anyway, I'm off my original topic. Let's just say I know everything that happens in life is for a reason. I know my life will work out the way it's meant to. I know that if I'm moving in a positive direction with my words and actions, my life path will unfold before me. I have unwavering faith in this.

I was having a conversation with a gentleman I work with the other day. Somehow we got on the topic of religion (did I mention he has invited coworkers to church?). I tried to explain my position, about my faith. He informed me I don't have faith, I have optimism. I started to think. And question. And worry. Is this gentleman saying that you must have religion in order to have faith? Maybe my definition of myself is skewed. Maybe all this time I held onto the fact I am a faithful person when really I'm just an optimist. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter:

First, I like to start with definitions. I still like getting my New World Dictionary, Second College Edition (1980!) off the shelf. I like books, and the dictionary is a wonderland of words.

Optimism: 1. a.) the doctrine held by Leibniz (huh?) and others that the existing world is the best possible b.) the doctrine or belief that good ultimately prevails over evil 2. the tendency to take the most hopeful or cheerful view or matters or to expect the best outcome

Faith: 1. unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence 2. unquestioning belief in God, religious tenets, etc. 3. a religion or a system of religious beliefs 4. anything believed 5. complete trust, confidence or reliance 6. allegiance to some person or thing; loyalty

Now, I don't deny that I am an optimistic person. I choose to look on the bright side of situations. I choose to believe in the good in people. The definition of optimism implies choice, when you "take" the most hopeful or cheerful view, you are choosing to believe one way or the other. The definition of faith however seems very clear that there is no decision or choice. You either have faith in something or your don't. Naturally this can apply to any number of things, people, situations or institutions. And you can most certainly have both.

That was easy. My sense of self is restored. I am faithful. I am optimistic. I'm back to me.

I'm a bitch

2007-05-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

I've been in a serious funk the past few days. I don't really know what my problem is. I generally feel like spitting the most noxious words I can find at everyone who talks to me. Considering I spend most of my time interacting with people at work, you would be AMAZED to see the self control I possess. Unfortunately that means I save up all my nastiness for home and my dear, darling, (he better not try to touch me), husband. I think only my husband and my family know how truly awful I can be. Very dark, very mean. I wonder if this isn't that chemical imbalance that runs deeply in my biological father's family. I guess I can be grateful that I only get weirdly moody and bitchy sometimes. My paternal grandmother was like that ALL the time.

Annoyed

2007-05-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

First, let me just tell all those people out there that have cute little family stickers in the rear window of your cars: broadcasting your families names to the weirdos in the world is STUPID! Now the predator who lives down the street knows that Mommy’s name is Mary and Daddy's is John, but also that the cute little brown haired girl, of about 6 tender years is Susie. You are GIVING bad people an "in" with your children! I know you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, but are they a "stranger" when they know your name and your mommy’s name and daddy’s name? Little kids can't make that kind of decision. THINK PEOPLE!!!!

Second, our Governator, Arnold has submitted a revised lethal injection plan based on a December 2006 ruling that the current California lethal injection practices may violate the Eighteenth Amendment constituting cruel and unusual punishment. I heard this revised plan (on NPR this morning) described as "allowing the condemned prisoner to die with dignity." I’d like to state for the record, that generally I keep my mind out of the morality of the death penalty. Every time I allow my mind to wander in that direction I end up getting dizzy. I’ve decided I don’t yet have enough input to make a decision on it. On the surface I think the death penalty is justified. In my heart, it makes me uneasy. So I’m stuck.

BUT, I do have plenty of input on death with dignity. I am generally appalled at a society that is concerned about the ease of death of condemned prisoners (murderers) but allows it’s hard working, contributing citizens to slowly die in excruciating pain and misery. We do not extend the same comfort to our human family members that we do to our animals or our prisoners. I watched my grandmother die from cancer. Slowly, painfully, as each of her body systems started to shut down. No amount of morphine she was allowed eased her pain. Not to mention the emotional agony she endured knowing without a doubt that she was dying. She had been a strong, independent woman. She took her last choking breaths in bed, half starved, in a diaper with bedsores. Surely, we should have given her the opportunity to die with dignity. After all, our convicted murderers are given that consideration.

Waxing and Whining

2007-04-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Hawaii! In only seventy-two short hours I'll in Maui! Yay me!

In preparation for my trip, I decided I am mature enough to get a bikini wax. Except I'm cheap, okay thrifty, so I figured I can do it myself. I got a little kit at the drugstore, with pre-waxed strips you simply lay on and pull off. Sounded simple enough. The kit I purchased also came with a camphor "comfort cooling" spray to apply before you wax. My thought, "Cool! numbing spray! I won't feel a thing!". Ha!

My mother has been doing the self wax for years and that's probably part of the reason I figured I could do it myself. I know she's had some bad experiences (I seem to remember some sort of underarm debacle), but mostly she's fine. I started with my legs. Let me just say, for those of you who haven't placed sticky goo onto their hair with the intention of ripping it out by the root, it hurts!!!!! I was giggling uncontrollably because that's what I do when I'm 1.) nervous, 2.) scared, 3.) in pain. The hair sticking to the wax strip was cool, so I was distracted from the pain for a moment. Until I realized the strip didn't even come close to pulling out all the hair in the area. I worked around my leg and finally realized I should move up in case I didn't have enough wax to clean up the bikini line. Needless to say, my legs are smooth. In patches. I won't go into the gory details of the bikini area, but I will say I consider the bikini wax a success. The leg leaves something to be desired.

Moving on...

Husband woke up with a scratch on his face Saturday morning. He thinks I did it. I'm not saying I did, and I'm not saying I didn't. I would like to state for the record, I've woken in the middle of the night several times with him delicately removing my velvet stuffed frog from my arms. That's like taking candy from a kid. If I did scratch him, he certainly deserved it.

This morning I woke up feeling like someone tried to twist my head off my body. I wonder if he's trying to get even.

Why do I have to Think???

2007-04-25T11:03:00.000-07:00

I read an essay that got me thinking about the debate Husband and I are having about genetic screening of the unborn. I think Husband agrees (although I haven't brought up the topic for a few weeks) that eugenics is a questionable practice at best. I had not made the connection in my head that genetic screening with the option of aborting is eugenics. My concerns with the screening have been personal, the social and moral aspects are secondary. We as a society have become so enamored of science and scientific "progress" that we have crossed over into a realm of moral ambiguity without even a sideways glance.

I am presently concerned about what this means for me as a woman praying to be pregnant at this very moment. How will this play out with Husband and our child if God forbid we discover the child is not "perfect"*? What will it mean for me as an individual? Is it right to exert my rights as an individual and mother to have a child when the father is against it? What will that mean for the child? What would that do to my marriage?

And then I come right back to the decision I made at twenty-one. I feared Husband (who was a casual boy "friend" at the time) would resent having a child. I feared the child would know it was resented and have to live with that pain. I wish I could say that I thought at the time I was making the correct decision. At least I would find some comfort in that.

Perhaps I struggle more with the genetic testing because of what I have already experienced. I walked my personal moral tightrope and fell. On the wrong side. I don't want to fall again.

Love Your Green Mother

2007-04-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

Our impact on the world has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Please do what you can to show our planet the love she deserves. What better way to support Earth Day on April 22!

Carbonfund.org is a non-profit supporting renewable energy sources and reducing overall greenhouse gas emissions. I signed up as a monthly contributor to help offset the emissions Husband and I produce.

Our gas and electric company offers "green" energy, which gives us some of our energy from renewable sources (such as wind). The added cost is under $5/mo which I feel is well worth helping heal our Earth. I urge you to look at your own company to find out if you can get renewable energy as well. Most energy companies are looking at ways to offer green energy, so even if it's not available now, it very well be in the future. Keep an eye on your energy bill, they will notify you when renewable energy is available.

Other easy things to do:

Unplug appliances/chargers/computers/other equipment when not in use (put everything on surge protectors you can switch off)

Use compact fluorescent bulbs- those twisty looking light bulbs save 2/3’s of your lighting bill and will save about $40 over their lifetime. Try 1 or 2 in places where you leave lights on a lot (like the front porch for instance). I'm replacing the regular bulbs as they burn out.

Support local farms

Renew/Reuse and Recycle!

Other places to find information about Green Living:

Alliance to Save Energy

Green-e

Energy Star

Handshakes

2007-04-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

Husband and his business partner are looking for a real estate agent to sell "our" condo. They have it narrowed down to two teams, but seem to be torn between them. Husband suggested the wives should meet with them. I don't really think that's necessary as I fully trust Husband's and Business Partner's judgement. One thing did come up that is important to me: handshakes.

I have a couple of gripes: hard and soft shakers. My experience is that many women fall into the "Hard Shaker" category. I haven't decided if this is a woman-woman issue, or also a woman-man issue. When a woman shakes my hand forcefully, with a lot of "squeeze", I feel like they are trying to dominate me. I get the impression they are trying to assert their authority and power. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for powerful women, but the too hard shake makes me think you are trying too hard (duh). Maybe you are working hard to give the impression you have more control than you actually do.

On the flip side, men who gently take my hand (or only my fingers) annoy me. They are telling me that I am too delicate to be treated as their equal. I am not up to the full- handed, strong shake. As if I can't handle it. They too are conveying power and letting me know I don't have as much of it as they do. I do not fault men when they squeeze too hard, because at least they are treating me as they would a man. Like their equal.

I'd just like to state for the record that I am not the sort of girl to be concerned about my power. I know I have it. I don't question it. I'm not even worried about people taking it away. People are a curiosity and I ponder what makes them do the things they do.

Time Traveling

2007-04-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a beautiful if windy day in Southern California. Husband and I had house guests, and we live right next door to our close friends so we had a fair sized group most of the weekend. The fellas decided it was a nice enough day to pull out the croquet set. I know, wild and crazy times are afoot!

They started to set up the game and realized they didn't have the instructions in the box, and no one could remember how to play. I'm happily reading the Sunday paper (ads and comics with a glance at the real news) listening to them trying to come up with the rules. Debating back and forth, agreeing to something and just as quickly deciding that the rule doesn't seem quite right. I imagined that is exactly how they sounded when they were children together.

A little while later, I must have been engrossed in my comics, because I glanced behind me and I swear I saw my husband and his friend as they will look when they are 70 years old, peering into the laptop computer someone brought outside to look up those silly croquet rules. Bent over, squinting at the screen, still debating, joking with each other, seemingly very content.

I smiled to myself, pleased with them and the image of us still being together a half lifetime from now.

Tadpole

2007-04-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

Late February 2006.

I'm at the pet store checking out the fish. I was probably running low since my catfish likes to consume his tank mates. Not immediately. He usually* likes to get to know them first. Anyhoo, I see the aquatic frogs swimming up, and then swimming down. Up, and then down. Up, down. Up, down. Mesmerizing. Somehow my attention was broken and I discovered these oh so cute tadpoles. Hey! I should get a tadpole for my tank. Fifteen minutes later I'm arriving home with a pair of mollys, a HUGE tadpole and the warning from the pet store that they can't say what kind of frog it will turn into. Yah, yah, whatever. I'm getting a tadpole for my tank!

I introduce my husband to the tadpole, "Husband, meet tadpole, tadpole, meet your dad." Husband wants to know what type of frog it will be and makes some comment about how freakishly large the tadpole is. He's not really a tadpole person. Sometime later that evening it dawned on me that I had no idea what type of frog the tadpole would turn into. And, wow. It's really big.

..................................................((Hamilton 3-8-06)

So the scientist in me starts doing research. What are the distinguishing characteristics of the cute little bugger? Did I mention he's huge? Like easily three inches long and and inch across huge. And his name is Hamilton. Like Tad Hamilton. 'Cause he's a Tadpole. I have a clever friend. Anyway, I hit the internet for information about the tadpole. Unfortunately, I couldn't narrow it down enough to determine what type of frog Hamilton would be. We'd have to wait until he starts to change. Which, from my research could be anytime between a few weeks and a few years.

Glad I got that straightened out.

*Sometimes he eats them immediately. But only if they are small and there are lots of them. And then he eats as many as he can without bursting.

Long Time

2007-04-07T08:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to blame my oh so busy life for not posting all week. Not that it matters, I think only my sister is coming over here right now anyway. Hi Seester!

Last weekend several family members gathered in Carson City, Nevada for a little skiing and bonding. This is the second year we've made the trek there during the same weekend. I have to say, it's a blast. My family is hilarious! I feel very blessed that not only do I like my siblings, but I like my cousins, aunts, uncles AND mother! Not that my mom doesn't frustrate and confuse me from time to time, but I think that is in her job description. And besides, I think motherhood might make you crazy.

I make that statement not out of malice, simply a lot of direct observation and verbal accounts. I am a scientist after all. The first clue that motherhood makes you crazy is that women want to have babies in the first place. You have to be kinda nuts to be LOOKING FORWARD to pushing a fourteen inch cranium out of your nether regions. Combine that traumatic event with the lack of sleep, poop and vomit, and it's no wonder moms go crazy and stay that way. And then the kids turn into teenagers. Eek. Scary!

Did I mention I REALLY want to have a baby?

Sorry I Asked

2007-03-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Ever ask a question and discover right after you received the answer, that you really didn't need to know?

I learned this morning that my building has a bee problem. I highly doubt it was much of "problem" since I am here A LOT and have never seen an unusual number of bees. We have jasmine growing on a fence, there are bound to be some bees. Maybe the problem is that this is LA and there shouldn't be ANY wildlife...

Anyhoo, I learned about the bees because they are smoking them out. In my imaginings that meant the bees would vacate the hive and go find a new place to live. Unfortunately on my way to the bathroom, I ran into the man in the bee keepers suit (sadly he didn't have his hat/mask thingy on, 'cause that would have been cool). He advised me that we need to keep our windows shut and the bees should be gone in a couple of hours. This is when I asked the question, "where do they go?". He looked at me a bit puzzled and replied, "dead". At this point I told him I didn't really need to know that, and wished I hadn't asked (more confusion on his face). I thanked him (he's just doing his job after all) and proceeded to the bathroom. I'm still struggling with trying not to cry. I know they are "just" bees. The truth is I have a fondness for the little creatures. Okay, okay, I like all little creatures.

To my furry and feathery family members on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, you are going to be welcoming a whole bee hive today. Put them to good work pollenating your plants. I will see you someday. I miss you all.

Friends

2007-03-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

My sister (Ginamonster) has been blogging for years. I set up my blog a few years ago, but have been very inconsistent in posting. I'm trying to mend my ways. Ginamonster has encountered any number of people who have shared their wisdom, and received hers. I would venture to say, she has a least a couple new life long friends through blogging.

Today, I found a gal, soon-to-be mother, who's blog touched me. She's been through some of the struggles I've been through, although, I admit, she has suffered much worse than I. At the end of the day, I felt a connection, a kindredness. I think this is what my sister has been trying to tell me about. The connection with people you don't know, but who share your hopes and your dreams. Further, they may even reach out to you and let you know that they are sending out their best wishes for your future. If there is a God, this is how I believe (S)He manifests. Regardless, it is a rush of good will (energy) in your direction, and that can't help but enrich your life.

Oh Dear.

2007-03-26T20:06:00.000-07:00

I had something interesting to say. Really. But for the life of me I can't remember what it was. Damn black hole in my brain.

Okay, I'll just talk about something else I've been pondering. I made a decision a few weeks ago to try to publish some of the children's books I've written over the years. Every so often I become inspired and I start writing. Mostly they've remained unfinished, because I've never shared them with anyone else. But unlike many other things I've written when inspiration strikes, I still like these stories years later. As an aspiring mother, I'm constantly looking for ways I will be able to stay home with my children. Don't worry, I'm not under the delusion that writing children's stories will make me rich, I just need to replace my current income, which sadly, doesn't seem so daunting. And I figured, what do I have to lose?

I went out, looked through and bought several books, and a couple of writers magazines. I'm going to be practicing my writing, and through the web, sharing some things with you. Flexing my writing muscles and hopefully entertaining a few people along the way.

On to the thing I've been thinking...

When I made the decision to actually submit stories versus just writing them, I started to see opportunity everywhere. I subscribe to a work at home mom newsletter, yes I know I'm not a mom yet, but I will be someday. Anyway, every couple days for the last three weeks, they've sent out information on writing. Write blogs for money, You CAN publish!, write informational pamphlets and sell them, be a freelance copywriter, be a freelance copy editor, just do freelance writing! I also started getting information about taking classes for writers in my community. I decided I'm on to something.

Many times in my life I've felt stuck, needing to make a change and not knowing what it was. Eventually I would see where I was supposed to go, and when I did, I would discover a path materializing before me. All the pieces falling into place. If you are struggling in your job or relationship, it could be that you are moving against the universe instead of with it. Sometimes the best action is to have faith that you will be led where you are intended to be. The problem is often realizing what change needs to be made to make you ready to follow your path.

Continuing Theme

2006-06-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

Work has been crazy. And tomorrow I'm going out of town for a few days, but I really intend on keeping this up.

Over time people will likely get sick to death of this subject, but who cares. This is for me, not you.

Dads. I'd like to say everyone has one. Unfortunately, there are millions of people who do not. We all have someone who gave their genetic material to help form us. However, genetic material donation does not a dad make. I don't have a dad. I have several people that have served in some dad capacity at one point or another in my life. I am EXTREMELY grateful I have those people. But there is not one man person I have that wonderful life long father-daughter bond with. This is okay with me. I know I am missing something I can never have, but I'm not going to wallow in sorrow about it. Life is too short for that nonsense. Enjoy your moments when you get them and move on.

What I would like to say is this:
If you have a dad. Appreciate him. He is the only one you are going to get. Be there for him and with him. Cherish the times you have had, and make new memories every chance you get. I say this because I believe there are a number of little girls (and boys) who take their dads for granted. I was painfully reminded of this on Father's Day. There is a fellow who is a very important surrogate dad in my life. He also has a daughter. He is one of those dads who would leave work early to go to her softball games, was always there for every school talent show. He adores his little girl. I don't think she saw him on Father's Day this year. She called (I know because he was with me at breakfast when she did), but wasn't likely to see him because she was moving. And not moving to different towns, she had been moving all week, to a house just down the street. And she only lives 20 minutes from her dad. I don't get it. I just don't feel like moving is a good excuse not to spend a little time with your dad on Father's Day. But then, who am I to say how a person should treat their dad.

I have an opinion that most people have their priorities all screwed up. I'm talking about choosing to do chores instead of spending time with your family or friends (or moving instead of seeing your dad on Father's Day). Yes, I agree that laundry needs to get done. But when you are a lonely old person, are you going to miss doing that load of laundry or going out to eat with your friends? Got too many commitments to make one more? Too many people don't have people who want to spend time with them. Make yourself a little uncomfortable and be with your people! While I get TIRED of running around on weekends, not spending time at home, always being on the go, I know I will look back on my life and be certain I was available to my people. I enjoyed them, and hopefully they enjoyed me.

We are only in this life once, make the decision to make the most of it.

Spam and Britney

2006-06-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

Spam

No, I'm not talking about the annoying emails, I'm referring to the gelatinous pork-like substance made popular during WWII. Why would I be talking about Spam you ask? Well, I have a group of girlfriends who get together weekly for dinner. We usually pick a theme, and this weeks theme was Hawaii. Now what could possibly be more Hawaiian than Spam? So I decided I should create a Spam dish. Mostly because I thought it would be funny, not because I really wanted to eat spam (In my defense, I also made an Asian cabbage salad). I made Spam Musubi. For those of you who don't know what it is, you can look it up, I'm ready to get to the good part.

Being the health conscious person I am, I bought Spam Lite, 50% less Fat!, 33% fewer calories! and 25% less sodium! What a wonderful world! I read the ingredient list: Pork with Ham, okay I'm going to stop there. Pork with Ham. What the HELL is Pork with Ham? My girlfriends came up with several possibilities, but I'm determined to get the truth from Hormel. I sent the following email to customer service this morning:

"I was reading the ingredient list on the can of Spam Lite I purchased, and I have one question:
What is Pork with Ham?
Thank you in advance for your response."

I will be waiting impatiently for their response. In the mean time, I will peruse the Spam Museum at Hormel.com. Maybe you should too...

Britney

I watched the Dateline interview. I'll start with the gum chewing, why, Britney, why? Show some respect for Matt, get rid of the gum! Few things are more unattractive than having a conversation with someone smacking away. And to be filmed like that? It is public speaking 101! Where is her publicist? Her stylist? Because now we need to discuss the jean skirt and TOO SMALL top. I kept wanting to reach into the TV and pull it up so her breasts didn't fall out! If you want people to respect you, show some respect for yourself! About her husband, I'm just not convinced she's telling the truth about her relationship. Her eyes were shifty, she always looked away from Matt when answering questions about K-Fed. It's okay if you married a weenie, acknowledge it and MOVE ON! As for your "fear" of the paparazzi, MOVE AWAY FROM LOS ANGELES!!! I agree they should stop harassing you. I agree you have basic rights as a human being to privacy and respect. BUT, EVERYONE knows the paparazzi is a HUGE problem in Los Angeles. If you are a celebrity, you will get your picture taken, maybe stalked. There is a simple solution for people with bottomless bank accounts- MOVE AWAY! You could live anywhere in the world. More or less peacefully. If you are really so distressed by the treatment you receive in LA, take your family away. It may be your only chance to have the "peace" you "allegedly" desire. The quotes bring me to my final comment. Air quotes, you over used them and they were used inappropriately so they just made you look silly. Try to stop that habit. Brit, I've never taken much interest in you or your career, but it seems painfully clear to me you need someone to shake some sense into you.

OOOO!

We got a response from Hormel already:

June 16, 2006

Ms Pine,

Thank you for contacting us about SPAM(r) Lite.

Pork with ham refers to the pork shoulder and the ham part of the hog.

Kelly
Consumer Response Specialist
Ref # 1350693

I still don't know what the ham part of the hog is. I better go look it up.

Baby Showers

2006-06-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not a huge fan. Unfortunately this is one of the crosses women have to bear.

I have a friend, seven WEEKS pregnant. Her mother contacted me this week because we have to start planning the baby shower.

I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable making any plans for the babies this early in the pregnancy. Did I mention there are two babies? I'm of the opinion you shouldn't even tell people you are pregnant until after the first trimester. Too much can happen. It's scary.

I've always thought my mother was crazy. You know, like when I asked for a list of people she would like on the invitation list for my wedding, she said "all my people are dead or about to die". Crazy. But I think my friends mom may be holding the "Craziest Mom" title. Maybe the impending Grandmotherhood has made her wires short circuit. Maybe all moms are a little crazy.

Maybe motherhood MAKES you crazy.

Alone

2005-05-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

You know there is always a place, a place no one can fill. Why do you pretend we don't exist? We've opened our hearts, time and again, and you stomp on us. You said we are your number one priority... I couldn't help but laugh. Number one after your drugs, your gambling, your women, EVERYONE else in your life. I wish so hard every day that I would not hurt, that I could stop caring about you. The problem is, I like you. And it's a good thing too. Maybe it is the traits I see in myself and my sister that we get from you that keeps me hoping. The little things you used to do. We knew you loved us once, what happened? What did we do? What have we done to deserve you treating us like this?

I feel so annoyed that I can feel so happy and yet always carry this empty place and sadness for you. I feel so alone.

Quote of the Day

2005-05-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. -Mother Teresa

Can someone please tell all those haters out there that we are all the same!! We all eat, we all poo. Why can't everyone just get along? I just can't figure how anyone could expect everyone else to think/feel/want/believe the same way they do. Aren't those the very things that make us each unique and special? I'm so grateful I have a family that is open and supportive and tolerant- I can't even fathom not loving people FOR their differences.

And then there was the day I realized I'm a hater. I hate the baseball team in the city up the road. I won't name names... oh and I HATE the football team too. But the team isn't there anymore, now they are up, up the road. I am working on my hate issues. I see how it is hard to change the way you are raised. Haters raise haters. Teaching tolerance begins at home.