Time flies when, well, Time flies

That last entry was whiny. Sorry about that. Every now and again whining happens.

Speaking of whiny, sometimes I peruse the pregnancy websites. Particularly the "loss" sites. I am very grateful women have a support group they can tap into at any time. Especially since miscarriage is something that most people still don't talk about. But, I worry about that extreme focus on trying to conceive. Charting temperatures, using monitors, only having sex when you are "fertile". What a waste of your precious time. I understand the want/need to have a baby. I've never wanted anything more (except maybe to be an astronaut). And I ache inside for a child. A true hurt. Like heartache. A very real, if strange phenomenon. However, I don't want to spend the time I have on this earth stressing about something that I have little control over. It makes much more sense to let nature take it's course (I know, easy for me to say when I've been pregnant twice in the last year) and move forward with your life and relationships. So many people only focus on what they want/don't have that they forget to appreciate what they do have. It's like their lives are moving in an endless circle until they get that thing they want. The thing about it is, that there will always be a thing. That one last thing you need to make you happy. That mentality will guarantee an unsatisfied life.

Ladies, relax. Pick up a book. Have lunch with your friends. Create life in the garden (you city dwellers can do this too!). Make love to your husband, for fun. Most importantly, be grateful for the gifts you've already received.

Faith or Optimism?

I've always considered myself a person of deep faith. I am not a Christian, although I believe Jesus was a great teacher of tolerance (the irony here is that so many of his followers are intolerant). I don't actually "subscribe" to any religion. I ultimately believe in the basic tenants that underlie all religions. I also believe that at the end of the day all religions point to the same "being". Whether that being is God, Allah, Buddha, or the Goddess, I cannot say. Simply, I don't presume to be that into the loop to KNOW what the truth is one way or the other. I do believe that we see different manifestations because of the great diversity among people. What holds true in one mind is not the same in another. Anyway, I'm off my original topic. Let's just say I know everything that happens in life is for a reason. I know my life will work out the way it's meant to. I know that if I'm moving in a positive direction with my words and actions, my life path will unfold before me. I have unwavering faith in this.

I was having a conversation with a gentleman I work with the other day. Somehow we got on the topic of religion (did I mention he has invited coworkers to church?). I tried to explain my position, about my faith. He informed me I don't have faith, I have optimism. I started to think. And question. And worry. Is this gentleman saying that you must have religion in order to have faith? Maybe my definition of myself is skewed. Maybe all this time I held onto the fact I am a faithful person when really I'm just an optimist. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter:

First, I like to start with definitions. I still like getting my New World Dictionary, Second College Edition (1980!) off the shelf. I like books, and the dictionary is a wonderland of words.

Optimism: 1. a.) the doctrine held by Leibniz (huh?) and others that the existing world is the best possible b.) the doctrine or belief that good ultimately prevails over evil 2. the tendency to take the most hopeful or cheerful view or matters or to expect the best outcome

Faith: 1. unquestioning belief that does not require proof or evidence 2. unquestioning belief in God, religious tenets, etc. 3. a religion or a system of religious beliefs 4. anything believed 5. complete trust, confidence or reliance 6. allegiance to some person or thing; loyalty

Now, I don't deny that I am an optimistic person. I choose to look on the bright side of situations. I choose to believe in the good in people. The definition of optimism implies choice, when you "take" the most hopeful or cheerful view, you are choosing to believe one way or the other. The definition of faith however seems very clear that there is no decision or choice. You either have faith in something or your don't. Naturally this can apply to any number of things, people, situations or institutions. And you can most certainly have both.

That was easy. My sense of self is restored. I am faithful. I am optimistic. I'm back to me.

I'm a bitch

I've been in a serious funk the past few days. I don't really know what my problem is. I generally feel like spitting the most noxious words I can find at everyone who talks to me. Considering I spend most of my time interacting with people at work, you would be AMAZED to see the self control I possess. Unfortunately that means I save up all my nastiness for home and my dear, darling, (he better not try to touch me), husband. I think only my husband and my family know how truly awful I can be. Very dark, very mean. I wonder if this isn't that chemical imbalance that runs deeply in my biological father's family. I guess I can be grateful that I only get weirdly moody and bitchy sometimes. My paternal grandmother was like that ALL the time.

Annoyed

First, let me just tell all those people out there that have cute little family stickers in the rear window of your cars: broadcasting your families names to the weirdos in the world is STUPID! Now the predator who lives down the street knows that Mommy’s name is Mary and Daddy's is John, but also that the cute little brown haired girl, of about 6 tender years is Susie. You are GIVING bad people an "in" with your children! I know you tell your kids not to talk to strangers, but are they a "stranger" when they know your name and your mommy’s name and daddy’s name? Little kids can't make that kind of decision. THINK PEOPLE!!!!

Second, our Governator, Arnold has submitted a revised lethal injection plan based on a December 2006 ruling that the current California lethal injection practices may violate the Eighteenth Amendment constituting cruel and unusual punishment. I heard this revised plan (on NPR this morning) described as "allowing the condemned prisoner to die with dignity." I’d like to state for the record, that generally I keep my mind out of the morality of the death penalty. Every time I allow my mind to wander in that direction I end up getting dizzy. I’ve decided I don’t yet have enough input to make a decision on it. On the surface I think the death penalty is justified. In my heart, it makes me uneasy. So I’m stuck.

BUT, I do have plenty of input on death with dignity. I am generally appalled at a society that is concerned about the ease of death of condemned prisoners (murderers) but allows it’s hard working, contributing citizens to slowly die in excruciating pain and misery. We do not extend the same comfort to our human family members that we do to our animals or our prisoners. I watched my grandmother die from cancer. Slowly, painfully, as each of her body systems started to shut down. No amount of morphine she was allowed eased her pain. Not to mention the emotional agony she endured knowing without a doubt that she was dying. She had been a strong, independent woman. She took her last choking breaths in bed, half starved, in a diaper with bedsores. Surely, we should have given her the opportunity to die with dignity. After all, our convicted murderers are given that consideration.

Why do I have to Think???

I read an essay that got me thinking about the debate Husband and I are having about genetic screening of the unborn. I think Husband agrees (although I haven't brought up the topic for a few weeks) that eugenics is a questionable practice at best. I had not made the connection in my head that genetic screening with the option of aborting is eugenics. My concerns with the screening have been personal, the social and moral aspects are secondary. We as a society have become so enamored of science and scientific "progress" that we have crossed over into a realm of moral ambiguity without even a sideways glance.

I am presently concerned about what this means for me as a woman praying to be pregnant at this very moment. How will this play out with Husband and our child if God forbid we discover the child is not "perfect"*? What will it mean for me as an individual? Is it right to exert my rights as an individual and mother to have a child when the father is against it? What will that mean for the child? What would that do to my marriage?

And then I come right back to the decision I made at twenty-one. I feared Husband (who was a casual boy "friend" at the time) would resent having a child. I feared the child would know it was resented and have to live with that pain. I wish I could say that I thought at the time I was making the correct decision. At least I would find some comfort in that.

Perhaps I struggle more with the genetic testing because of what I have already experienced. I walked my personal moral tightrope and fell. On the wrong side. I don't want to fall again.